Idiocy

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and the next day you have no clue what you told them. That is me at this very moment... slowly trying to retract my every word, but I can only recall some bits and pieces. Why am I ashamed anyways? I’m afraid I may have said something I shouldn’t have... ahaha that’s the thing about me - always over thinking and over analyzing. I mean why am I so concerned anyways... anything I said I was being frank about so why am I ashamed! The truth is I am embarrassed... I can recall bits and pieces of the conversation, but during intoxication my filter is unleashed.

The truth about me is there is absolutely nothing exciting about me. I’m just a plain Jane, I barely stand up for myself! So there you have it, I am the most boring person ever. Why would anyone be curious about me anyways?

Out of touch

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately... perhaps it’s the fact that I have been unemployed for months. I have no regrets leaving my prior waitressing job, but since I’m not enrolled in any classes boredom has taken over my life. I’ve even grown tired of alcohol. I have nothing to celebrate and my intoxication results in violence. I have no interest in that. It seems that being Hmong, that is the only hobby available. There must be something more to life. I wait all day for my boyfriend whose tired when he gets home and just wants peace. I on the other hand want attention and love.

Maybe everything happens for a reason truly, with the return of my father I now have a babysitter which is nice. My sister currently has a job that makes her able to work from home. I now have options. I used to feel so helpless. I see other families whose grandparents/siblings adore and love spending time with the new baby of the family. Being that I am the second oldest with an older sister whose gone away, no one is available. Mother works all the time - dad was mia - older sister mia - younger brothers are unreliable in the fact that they simply are young - younger sister is all I have. So if any one ever reads this and have help please appreciate it.

Ps if my writing isn’t the best it’s because I’m typing from my phone and I’m not revising or editing

Wow!

My last entry was posted seven years ago! I can still remember glimpse of my emotions at the time but with age I cringe at My vulnerability. That’s life isn’t it? This is beyond cliche but we live and we learn —- to love ourselves most importantly.

I never felt beautiful when I was younger, I looked at others and saw their beauty... when I looked at myself I didn’t feel so pretty. I began to mimick those I admired but lost myself on the way. I tried to be like how I thought they were. Deep inside I’m just a quiet ugly loser who fights to fit in but no matter how hard I imitate others - the true me finds a way out. So I know how it feels to be unattractive. I wore  makeup so that I could feel beautiful, but it’s only borrowed beauty. Nothing that last

Random thought

This reminds me of the "only your friend when you have money" situation. Fuck you.

Hello young world ♥

I woke up this morning with a strange desire to slit my wrist, but dying is not my intention... - Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3.